July 3, 2002.
That was the release date of Warcraft III. While everyone else was partying, I was spending my Friday nights alone playing Warcraft III and Counter Strike. When I wasn’t gaming, I was in SAT class or at MIT taking extracurricular classes. Along with gaming, I was active on my high school math team. Because of my nerdiness, I never experimented with drugs or alcohol. I was a good boy…
Dem feels on de_dust2
BUT apparently not snorting coke and bringing home decent grades still wasn’t enough for my dad. He would go on rants telling me that he NEVER wanted me and that I was a mistake. It was never enough. I felt so alone and unappreciated. I wanted for someone to give a fuck about me. If my own father didn’t care about me, I wanted to find someone who did… like a girlfriend.
Problem was that back in high school, everyone had a relationship… except me. I was nice, but I reeked of desperation. I couldn’t get over that fact that if my own father didn’t want me… then why would a girl want to date me? It didn’t help when my first girlfriend of 2 weeks told me… “I didn’t date you because I liked you… I dated you because I pitied you.”
For years, I woke up asking myself… what the fuck was wrong with me? I would go to sleep alone just praying for the loneliness to go away. Was that so much to ask for? Then came my high school sweetheart!
… who was a compulsive liar. She lied about everything… where she worked, the college she attended, and even crashed my car and tried to deny THAT. She sucked at lying… but I tried seeing the good in her and just hoping that she would change. Eventually she cheated on me. Never have I been so mentally fucked with. It felt so unjust. I spent so much time asking… Why? What did I ever do wrong? What was wrong with me? There must be something wrong with me.
Poor baby.
Not too long after that, I dated broken girls and hood rats. I was just desperate for ANY attention. I was miserable. They didn’t work, go to school, or have any ambition whatsoever. I was basically supporting them with my $10/hour pharmacy technician job…. I COULD BARELY SUPPORT MYSELF… and the sex was horrible. I never got to finish… ever. I got blue balls EVERY SINGLE DAMN TIME.
Maybe you’re telling yourself you’re not good enough… or just waiting that things will just work out one day. When is that “one day”? If you’re telling yourself these things, why are you settling? Who the fuck wants that?!?!?
Don’t wait.
… and MUDDA ASS. I never deserved any of this bullshit from those people.
It’s not fair to ourselves to hold ourselves back for people that don’t give a fuck about us. Don’t let your past hold you back from the person you want to be. Don’t let these assholes and your negative thoughts defeat you. Everyday is a new day. There’s only so much you can do and control at the end of the day, but one thing we always have control over is making the decision that tomorrow will be a better day.
The reason why I bring up this story is because I was waiting for everything to be “perfect”. Let’s make a strong decision here… No more settling. No more dealing with this bullshit. I’m not going to let ourselves or what other people say get in the way anymore. Fuck that shit. Today I’m we are going to be resilient.
What is something that you’re just settling with?
Moving on
Kevin