How to Develop Deeper Friendships as an Adult ☕

Look at your Facebook friends.

Kevin here.

Facebook says there’s 2000+ people that I’m “friends” with. When was the last time you talked? Do we really “know” these people?

My friends say… “You’re so popular!”. But honestly I don’t feel that way. Especially when… 

• I want to eat KBBQ, but I can’t go because no else is free
• Meek Mill is in town, but no one else is down to go
• I’m staring at my contacts realizing that I have no one to talk to because they’re busy.

…Do any of you guys feel this way? 

Friendships can be more valuable than family.

We don’t choose family. People choose to be our friends. When we find a friend who really gets us and supports us unconditionally, it’s even more special. Money can’t buy that.

…but it sucks losing friends too.

My dad used to tell me while driving me to middle school, “As you get older, you’ll realize that you have fewer friends than you think”.

I didn’t believe him then, but I understand now. 

As my friends are getting older (AKA married and popping out kids), I realize that people just naturally drift apart. I can’t blame them. They’re just focused with their own lives. 

But I have good news.

You can turn that around. In fact, I will teach you how to have an even better relationship with the people around you in three simple steps.

Ready? 

Step 1: Take responsibility

The other day I was thinking about about my friend Priscilla. We first met years ago at a hotel party. We instantly became friends. This is the secret to friendship LOL. 

We hung out a few time, but we lost touch. Even though life happens, what did that really mean? I prioritized other things instead of investing into the friendship.

I remember one time at Boiling Crab, we ran into each other.

“Hey we should catch up sometime!”

…only problem? Sometime never happened.

It’s easy to blame the other person. If she really cared, then she would make the effort to meet up. But the truth was if I really cared, then I would prioritized and made time for our friendship. 

We can’t control other people’s actions, only our own. So when she said she was busy, I never asked for a better time. I chose to give up. I chose to be passive. Realizing that I made this choice sucked ass. Fuck.

Think about a friend that has slipped through the cracks. Don’t blame them. Assume you’re 100% responsible, what are you contributing to your friendships?

Step 2: Don’t wait. Reach out.

Recently I saw Priscilla at my friend’s birthday party. After karaoking to Backstreet Boys and catching Priscilla stuff pizza in her purse, I realized that I let these three years pass by. Has this happened to you?

Maybe life got busy and it just slipped your mind, but how do you rekindle a friendship?

It’s no secret. You need to do two simple things.

1. Take responsibility for friendship drifting apart
2. Let them know that you want to change and have a better relationship going forward

Want a quick script? I gotchu fam. Here’s what I’ve been using… 

“I’ve fucked up. Over the last few years, how many times have I taken the time to reach out, connect, and be there as a friend? Let’s change that. Are you free next week to grab coffee?”

It doesn’t matter what you say. They might say no. Regardless what the other person says, the most important thing to realize is your choice to improve the friendship and not be passive with what you want in life.

Step 3: Go deep. BALLS DEEP.

So you’re meeting your friend up. Awesome. Now what do you talk about?

One thing I hate in life is “small talk” AKA basic ass conversations. Does this sound familiar?

Person A: How are you?
Person B: Good. You?
Person A: Good.
*FML awkward silence*

One word answers are the ultimate way to kill any conversation. So when I saw Priscilla, I did the opposite and opened up. Everything from…

• How I get intimidated by beautiful girls like herself
• Wanting to have a better relationship with my dad him on my family cruise
• How I’m terrified of dating

This is what I call going deep. Balls deep. The magic of it all? She started opening up as well. Why does this work?

When you talk about the things that terrify, excite, and inspire you, you are subconsciously saying… “I feel comfortable with you. So comfortable that I’m sharing things that make me insecure that most people would judge me for. I trust you.”

It’s sets the foundation for unconditional relationship. Sure it might make them feel weird. They might think you’re weird… but at least you’re connect right?

Compare this to friends where you have to put a “front” to feel accepted? Or have to constantly watch what you say to protect your image?

It’s kind of like the relationships between Asian parents and their “family friends” AKA frenemies. You know when they’re constantly bragging about how their kid is “going to Harvard”.

…who wants to live like that? Yeah fuck that.

At the end of the day, your “friend” decides to clown on you for sharing something that your insecure about… fire them.

They don’t deserve to be your friend. You make that choice.

Relationships don’t just “happen”

One thing I’ve realized with a lot of my friendships is that you can’t just expect them to workout. Yes, some are easier than others. Like any relationship, it takes work.

But fuck it. Taking action teaches us not to wait for things that we want in life.

Stop being so damn passive about what we want. Stop waiting the “perfect” time and the stars to align. In reality, the best time is now.  When we take action, we tell ourselves that we matter. Our lives matter. Our needs matter.

So today I’m going to challenge you.

Reach out to that friend and connect. Maybe you’ve known each other for years. Maybe you’ve seen each other in passing, but never got to really know each other. Take that opportunity to get to know each other.

Just as a quick recap…

1. Take responsibility
2. Don’t wait. Reach out.
3. Go deep. Balls deep.

So in the comments, let me know. Who are some of the people that you want to connect with? Also share this article 🙂

Make me proud. Good luck.

Kevin