Ask RH: Finding an answer during dark times

Typically Refugee Hustle is about passion and careers, but I thought Heather’s situation was special. I want to show you guys an example of thinking about solutions even at the worst times when you feel like there’s no backing out. The point of this is that there is always a solution. That’s what Refugee Hustle is about. 

With this new series, we want to interact with you guys more. Send us your questions to subscribers@refugeehustle.com, let us know you want to be featured, and we’ll post up it here with our answers.  

Hey guys.

I don’t blame you guys if you can’t reply back to me, because honestly I wouldn’t know what to advise either. But anyways, here it is.

So you know how Asian parents function, right? You know, when they get pissed they don’t do the “Jimmy go to your room” bullshit. They whoop your ass, then lecture you on how you’ll work as a waiter/waitress with 4 kids and a broke husband. Well at least for me, that’s how they normally function. My mom’s the pretty regular tiger mom– but my dad is a totally different story.

He’s been known for domestic violence (VERY abusive domestic violence) and even spent a day in jail once for choking my mom. My sister was 13 at the time (we have a 5-year gap; she’s older) and she called the police. We’ve been to therapy, counseling, blah blah. We’ve had social workers come to our house multiple times because of how badly our dad was abusing us. It wasn’t even abuse, it was more like… More like torment.

Anyways sometimes, I hate him. I HATE him- in fact, sometimes I just want to commit suicide from the thought that I am blood-related to him. But today especially. He beat the shit out of me today for painting my nails instead of studying (it’s winter break). I wanted a break, so i treated myself a bit, then he comes in and he calls me all sorts of names. You know what I’m talking about, right? Not those stupid ones like “bitch” or “slut”. No, I mean the Asian ones, lol, the really nasty ones. He’s one of those people who act like God’s servant in church, but when he comes home he switches to his real self. God, I hate him so much.

But the way he beat me just got to me. I guess he wanted to feel some sort of dominance, so he told me to kneel, and I ended up kneeling for 3 hours straight. He punched me, grabbed my hair and threw me across the room, and just kept kicking me. I look like a freaking unicorn because of the bump on my head, lol. But out of all the days he did beat me, this one angered me the most, and I don’t know why. After it was all done, I went into my room and I tried cutting myself. I gave up midway, but it was pretty close to bleeding. I’ve thought of all the possible ways to commit suicide, and I’ve written the letters to people who mean the most to me. I should’ve killed myself there, but I didn’t, again not knowing why.

I guess what I’m trying to ask is- how do I go on in life without being battered by my parents? Because they’re the type to say something that they didn’t mean, but not apologize afterwards, so what they say is all I can think about. They’ve told me to kill myself once so they could be stress-free, which broke my heart at the time but now I truly feel that is the primary reason I want to go. They’ve told me to do them a favor and run away so they wouldn’t have to bear such a disappointment like me to be with them. And as I’m typing this with tears in my eyes, I’m pretty sure that they don’t care. “But Heather- they love you”- I’ve heard that so many times from so many people, from my best friends to professional therapists. But honestly, it only feels like that when I do something in their favor, so I’m not so sure.

People look to their parents for help, whereas I don’t even have my sister to help me. I think the JK family and you, Kevin, are the two reasons why I didn’t kill myself tonight. I ended up typing this to you because you guys give me hope. Hope for the “future”. If you guys could email me back, I’d appreciate it, a lot. Thank you for being you, you guys.

Heather

Hi Heather,

Let me tell you how close this hits home, I grew up with an abusive father and a few other father figures that used excessive violence, luckily for me he left when I was 14 and it stopped. I want to let you know that there are a ton of people out there in this world like us and you’re not alone. Bart was also abused, his dad also got in trouble with the law, his mother took pictures of all of his bruises as a child and won custody of him to keep him away from his dad. On the brighter side, his father changed and now they have a great relationship. Im on great terms with my uncle as well.

It’s unfortunate when our parents lose self control, they control so much of our lives before we become legal age that it feels like we’re living in a prison camp. 

Im letting you know this about me because lots of people will give you advice but they don’t know what its like until they’ve experienced it. That’s probably why the replies you’re getting is not satisfying. Unless they felt, knew and truly understood, they wouldn’t be giving you the cliche bullshit advice. The effects this experience has will never go away, it becomes apart of us but it’s up to us if we let this destroy us or make us stronger.

You obviously want to live so you’re reaching out to us, that’s the first step, reaching out! Good job, Im proud of you for being so brave and telling us in detail what’s going on. Now that we got that over with, Im going to explain to you why he is doing this.

The older I became, the more stories I heard about my fathers upbringing, the more I felt sorry for his pathetic ass. 

When people lose control like that, it has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you… the reason why he is doing this to you is simple… he’s been abused, or is being abused (emotionally or bullied by co-workers/friends) lost control of money, or life in general and he’s under a lot of stress so by abusing you he feels a false sense of control and he can let go his frustrations. You’re not doing anything wrong, you’re just an easy target for them to release their anger on. A lot of people get confused about human behavior, there is this idea of good people/bad people. This is bullshit, people are all victims of something but each individual chooses how they will react from it. Some react by causing more problems, others take a proactive approach and learn from it. For every psychopath, molester or bully, they were a victim in the past of some sort of abuse and they’re looking to control something cause they lost control. 

When people rape, its about controlling their body.

When people talk shit, its about controlling their sense of self.

When people bully, its about controlling a persons will.

People who don’t have self control and feel powerless, they need to control others to feel empowered. 

They were the unfortunate ones that lost control and caused more problems by directing their energy toward destructive behavior, It becomes this disgusting cycle when people lose control of their emotions. 

So now you know, your dad has a dark secret and lost control, he’s using you to feel like he has power over something. Sometimes we think parents should hold themselves to a higher standard, but they’re humans too, and some of them are mentally/emotionally weak humans. Im not trying to justify his actions here, but trying to get you to understand, it’s not your fault, your not a bad daughter and he is using you as a way to let out his frustrations. 

You’re his punching bag and it has nothing to do with how he feels about you or how good of a daughter you are. They talk all this shit because they just want some easy target to express their anger toward. They don’t know the effect of what they have on you, they have no other place to let it out so they abuse something that they have power over. They were never taught how to relieve stress, anger management, or deal with whatever inner conflict they have. They’re just stupid stubborn animals that don’t think anything is wrong with them so they wont get the help either. Too proud to change and that will destroy them later on. But you, you’re different! You want to change, you want to break this cycle and you want a better life, not act like dumb stubborn idiots.

The way we get out of this mess is, we learn to tame these beasts.

First I want you to tell yourself, you’re not a bad daughter, you’re actually fucking amazing that you put up with this animal and let’s feel sorry for this pathetic person who can’t control themselves. Hate? There’s no reason to really hate him, he’s just not smart or strong enough to deal with his problems. We don’t hate baby’s for crying right? They don’t know any better. Your dad doesn’t know and the more you see him as this dumb animal that has no idea how to solve problems, you’ll see theres no reason to hate him. Hate will destroy your soul. Hate will turn you into what they are. Pessimistic, lost, afraid, cowardly and angry. Hate makes people see their world as a dark place. Turn that energy you get from frustration into motivation, ill get back to how to do this.

One day he will get old and weak not strong enough to beat you, one day you’ll be old enough and escape! This is not going to be forever… lets think of the light at the end of this darkness. Thinking positive during a time of crisis is what is going to make you strong, what’s the ideal life you want? Imagine if you were living with your friends, awesome job and total freedom away from your parents. You hold onto these dreams and no matter what the fuck people say, you brush off them haters. You’re a strong person, not a lot of people can bounce back from the countless hours of abuse, you take those hits and keep going. Hold onto what you imagine your life will be when you leave. Start planning your escape. What do you need? An income! You can move out, If you’re not under his roof he can’t abuse or control you. Let this destructive time be something positive in your life. Use this as motivation for you study harder, work harder, the more you strive to better yourself, the faster you can escape this situation. When you save up, make money, you can escape. 

It all depends on what kinda relationship you want with them.

Ideally yes it would be nice if they can just be a warm, loving, and kind like some awesome parents out there. Realistically they have no clue how to do that or where to start and if they’re ready to do so. The best option here is to plan and work toward you getting away from this abusive relationship. When you have independence, it will be easier to help educate them and you can rebuild this relationship.  Slaves can’t get respect from their masters, so lets work on that independence.

Remember, they’re just animals, beasts with no brains. We can’t let our dogs control us right? So how do we tame these beasts? They only understand one thing, power. They abuse the power they have of you, they know you can’t or wont hit back. They know you live under their roof and they know they emotionally and mentally control you.

How do we make them lose their power over you? Well 1 is having a job and moving out. If you’re not 18 yet… look for group homes? Can you emancipate yourself and prove to the court that you can be independent?  

Can you secretly record him abusing you and get him jailed for a long time? What do you want to do to make him disappear? Start thinking of solutions of how to solve this. 

I know you’re looking for emotional support but all the emotional support in the world can’t help unless you take action to change your situation. This cycle will continue and just getting emotional support wont solve this at all. It might make you feel good temporarily but it’s not a solution. 

You’re a brave person, whats the worst he can do that he hasn’t already done? Fight this, be brave and I promise you when you come out of this, you will be able to handle more than the average person. People like us move on to own companies, achieve greatness and become top performers. Why? We been through hell and back, we don’t give up easy. As crazy as this sounds, sometimes im kinda thankful that I been through so much abuse, now when haters comment or I get hate… it’s absolutely nothing compared to the violence I went through. A lot of people stop doing youtube because they get hurt by online bullying, but name calling doesn’t effect me at all because the level of shit I’ve dealt with was way heavier than this. What you’re going through right now is hell and no one should go through it, but this is our reality and for millions of others. It’s happening, what are we going to do about it? We can keep saying it shouldn’t happen, normal people don’t go through this why do we have to? Or do you want to take action and win? I promise you if you keep working toward a better life for yourself, you will achieve amazing things. The winning formula that most people can’t do but I know you’ll be able to follow. 

Always tell yourself.

Keep your head up high while you always look for solutions because excuses never solve problems, only prolong them.

Follow this thought, apply it to everything you do, you’ll go far and beyond what you ever thought was possible. Me myself and tons of people who persevered through horrible pasts are all proof of heaven after hell. 

I want you to practice this;

Everyday imagine yourself living in a happier place, filled with friends, helping people, going on adventures and you achieving greatness. Hold onto these thoughts and believe it will happen, know that with you working toward this life, it will happen. No matter what happens you keep imagining and working toward this dream of yours. Remember the most important part is ALWAYS think of ways out, Always look for solutions! Keep trying different things to make things work the way you want, if it doesn’t work after once, twice, try again till it does. Even if it takes 1000 times, try it 1000 different ways until it works for you. Don’t ever for one day let them haters win, those words they say to you, its not true. You’re not a victim of abuse, you’re a survivor. That’s what we are, survivors, winners, against all odds we fight hard. We overcome these demons and keep going. 

When you overcome this, you’ll be able to protect other women who aren’t as strong as you. I see you as someone who can be a role model for other women who see you as inspiration. You can use this experience to endure other obstacles. You can own companies, become a top performing athlete, artist, musician, doctor whatever you set your mind to achieve.

My friends and I were all in fucked up situations too and things turned out alright, thats why I know you’ll pull through, I have faith in your strength. Lets always hold onto the light and never give up. Always fight and keep that fire burning inside you. Know that you’ll be coming out of this stronger and you will use your talents and strength to help and inspire others who are just like you.  

This is why we do JK and this is why we share our thoughts on JKN… this is why we started refugee hustle… I am using my strengths from my hardships and making a positive from a negative. Fuck your dad, I can beat his ass, you can take martial arts and beat his ass, but what good will that do? He’s already weak and defeated. Soon he will lose everything, a family, daughters will grow old and never visit him, he will eventually live in even more sadness than what he put you through. If he doesn’t grow up and learn, like some of the abusive male figures around me who changed. He will end up like my dad, alone and full of regrets.  

Dying alone is worse than us getting beat… his day will come but change is up to him… You can’t wait for them to change, AINT NO BODY GOT TIME FOR THAT! You got your OWN life to work on, focus on being the greatest you can, for yourself, not for their sorry ass, but for you to gain independence and away from their control, you deserve better, and you will be better than them and be above what your parents ever were. See them as an example of what not to be. mindless animals. You’re a strong intelligent person, lets share that with the world. You keep working toward this;

Keep positive, think of solutions not excuses, always appreciate the few good you got left no matter how fucked up the situations, take an honest look at yourself and always promise to give yourself the love and respect you deserve so you’ll have the power to grow mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually; follow this mindset and you will have the most amazing life, I guarantee without a doubt, life will be a blessing full of love, awesomeness and crazy adventures. 

But it wont just come magically, so lets go out and get it 🙂

Joe

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Joe

Free minds think alike Im that guy from @jkfilms Facebook.com/joejofanpage Twitter @joverdose Make music as @duskyhunters http://www.youtube.com/theuncochin

7 thoughts on “Ask RH: Finding an answer during dark times

  • January 19, 2015 at 1:42 am
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    Major love, respect, and support.

    Reply
  • January 20, 2015 at 6:40 pm
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    Awesome new series and advice Joe! That’s why I love the Jk crews more than other youtuber. You guys motivated me a lot!

    And Heather, don’t ever try do anything stupid that hurt yourself, or even your ‘dad’ (like, stab him with a knife or something), that just make you just like him. Be smart, break the cycle! Stay strong!

    Reply
  • January 21, 2015 at 5:33 am
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    Great read, I wish you best of luck in defeating your demons Heather! After every hurricane comes a rainbow!

    Reply
  • January 22, 2015 at 5:14 am
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    Great read and beautiful advice from Joe. I hope you’re doing well Heather! I’m more than sure that if you follow the advice from Joe you’ll become more than capable of overcoming you’re current conundrum, although I cannot relate to this story, I too feel that this is wrong and no one should be put through this. I wish all the best for your future just stay strong and you’ll be fine 🙂

    Reply
  • January 22, 2015 at 11:48 pm
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    OMG!!! Such great advice!!! I recently got out of an abusive relationship which was on its way to becoming violent. I am currently learning the great advice in this post. I didn’t have enough confidence or love for myself to get myself out of the situation. My friends had to rescue me, if you will, and THANK GOD they did.

    Young lady, you are stronger than me, a grown woman. I applaud you!!! Follow this wonderful advice and like Jo says you WILL see your life change for the better.

    Rid yourself of the hate you feel and your life will change even faster. I am learning forgiveness. A lesson you must learn if you want to succeed.

    I am so proud of you!!! Press on despite your parent’s abuse towards you. You are great and they are threatened by it. Keep moving forward. You are already rising above this by writing in. God bless you on your journey through life!!

    Reply
  • January 24, 2015 at 9:36 pm
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    i feel blessed and lucky joe well u started from the bottom didnt you and look at you now

    Reply
  • January 9, 2016 at 1:11 am
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    I’m so glad I finally started to go through Refugee Hustle today. I’m a survivor from an abusive relationship, and I’ve only just started to go through my issues. What I experienced as a teenager from the hands of this guy has turned me into a dark person, who has trust issues, uses people and pushes people away because ultimately I feel like they are going to betray me later, so what is the point? I’ve hurt people that care about me and it’s not until very recently that the friends I have (or had, still figuring that out) care about me enough to call me out on my shit and what to work through. I feel like I’m wearing a disguise, being a fucked up person trying to pretend I’m not, so when people get close, I want to push them away and hurt them so they don’t see how damaged I am. I’ve hurt a lot of people and I’ve only just started to get help to go through all my shit.

    This advice is good for me, it’s good for me to heal, and it’s good to have this in my mind as I deal with the fallout from my shitty behaviour. I need to break the cycle, and help others rather than hurting them. Joe, you are so wise and I hope I can turn my life around for the better. To heal from the hurt people have caused me, to make better decisions and help others heal from the hurt I’ve caused them.

    Reply

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