Resiliency: How breakups can help you with “not giving a fuck”

July 3, 2002.

That was the release date of Warcraft III. While everyone else was partying, I was spending my Friday nights alone playing Warcraft III and Counter Strike. When I wasn’t gaming, I was in SAT class or at MIT taking extracurricular classes. Along with gaming, I was active on my high school math team. Because of my nerdiness, I never experimented with drugs or alcohol. I was a good boy…

Dem feels on de_dust2
Dem feels on de_dust2

BUT apparently not snorting coke and bringing home decent grades still wasn’t enough for my dad. He would go on rants telling me that he NEVER wanted me and that I was a mistake. It was never enough. I felt so alone and unappreciated. I wanted for someone to give a fuck about me. If my own father didn’t care about me, I wanted to find someone who did… like a girlfriend.

DUH HELLOOOOO #tbt #refugeehustle #flossin #foreveralone #teamratchet #nerd #highschool #animeconvention #hotnigga

A photo posted by Kevin Yee (@kevin_the_refugee) on

Problem was that back in high school, everyone had a relationship… except me. I was nice, but I reeked of desperation. I couldn’t get over that fact that if my own father didn’t want me… then why would a girl want to date me? It didn’t help when my first girlfriend of 2 weeks told me… I didn’t date you because I liked you… I dated you because I pitied you.”

For years, I woke up asking myself… what the fuck was wrong with me? I would go to sleep alone just praying for the loneliness to go away. Was that so much to ask for?  Then came my high school sweetheart!

… who was a compulsive liar. She lied about everything… where she worked, the college she attended, and even crashed my car and tried to deny THAT. She sucked at lying… but I tried seeing the good in her and just hoping that she would change. Eventually she cheated on me. Never have I been so mentally fucked with. It felt so unjust. I spent so much time asking… Why? What did I ever do wrong? What was wrong with me? There must be something wrong with me.

Poor baby.
Poor baby.

Not too long after that, I dated broken girls and hood rats. I was just desperate for ANY attention. I was miserable. They didn’t work, go to school, or have any ambition whatsoever. I was basically supporting them with my $10/hour pharmacy technician job…. I COULD BARELY SUPPORT MYSELF… and the sex was horrible. I never got to finish… ever. I got blue balls EVERY SINGLE DAMN TIME.

Man… I was a bitch.

That was it. I woke up and looked myself in the mirror. I tried imagining my life… 10… 20… even 30 years down the line. This girl was dead weight. I imagined my paycheck ripped in half and my hard work going to someone that didn’t even deserve it. I couldn’t stand that someone so lazy and unmotivated was going to reap the benefits of everything I my family sacrificed. If I ever became a dad, I wanted to provide the best opportunities for my children. If I was going to achieve greatness, I couldn’t be like this anymore.

Everything was so clear now. I needed to surround myself with positive people in my life. I had to get over how people treated me in the past. I had to get over my thoughts of not being good enough… and even if it was true, I had to make myself better. Because of that moment, I started getting my money right, lifting regularly, and reading books like The Game. As a result, I started feeling better about myself, my confidence grew, and I told myself… “I work fucking hard and I deserve a girl who won’t pull my ass down… and won’t push me off when I’m about to bust!“… I stopped telling myself I’m not good enough, and started saying “I deserve this“.

Maybe you’re telling yourself you’re not good enough… or just waiting that things will just work out one day. When is that “one day”? If you’re telling yourself these things, why are you settling? Who the fuck wants that?!?!?

Don't wait.
Don’t wait.

and MUDDA ASS. I never deserved any of this bullshit from those people.

It’s not fair to ourselves to hold ourselves back for people that don’t give a fuck about us. Don’t let your past hold you back from the person you want to be. Don’t let these assholes and your negative thoughts defeat you. Everyday is a new day.  There’s only so much you can do and control at the end of the day, but one thing we always have control over is making the decision that tomorrow will be a better day.

The reason why I bring up this story is because I was waiting for everything to be “perfect”. Let’s make a strong decision here… No more settling. No more dealing with this bullshit. I’m not going to let ourselves or what other people say get in the way anymore. Fuck that shit. Today I’m we are going to be resilient.

What is something that you’re just settling with?  

Moving on
Moving on

Kevin

Opt In Image

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.